Today was a hard day for Eliza.
It was hard for me too.
Mark took the children to Nutcracker rehearsal this afternoon, and I kept Eliza, Evangeline, and Olivia with me. The girls needed shoes for Church, and since Eliza had been doing so well, we thought she might enjoy getting a new pair of shoes.
And it gave me a chance to spend some time with the girls with not so many children around.
She seemed okay when I told her we were going, and Mark was taking the children to Ballet.
She even seemed okay when we got in the car.
As soon as I started trying the shoes on her, she started to get really upset.
I decided on two pairs that were good and put one on each foot, and asked her to choose. She picked the black flats.
Then the anger really came out.
We finally got home, and she climbed under the table in the living room, and that is where she sat for two hours.
I didn’t actually take this picture. Olivia was sitting on my lap randomly snapping photos on my phone while I tried to coax Eliza out from under the table. When I flipped through her shots, I saw this one, and I saved it because I think it shows how desperately Eliza is trying to keep herself together. Someday I will show it to her, and celebrate how far we’ve all come.
But not now. For now we will sit and wait together for as long as it takes, even if one of us feels more secure cramped under a tiny table.
I sat right next to her. I kept touching her leg, or rubbing her arm, but it only seemed to make her angrier. She would slap my hand away. I’d stop for a while, then I’d try again.
I typed in the translator.
No response.
No response except anger, that is.
Then she heard the garage door go up, and she came out from under the table to greet her daddy.
And I have to say it is really hard.
I want to be the adult. I want to remember all the years she needed a mom and a dad to rock her and love her. I want to remember all the time she spent alone.
She laid in those hard beds alone, while I went about my life and filled my days with amusement, and food and fun with our growing family.
Still she waited.
She waited through shift after shift of employees coming and going from work. She waited while they went home on weekends to be with their families.
She learned to comfort herself.
She learned not to trust anyone, not to love anyone, not to need anyone.
She learned to play with her lips and make a funny sound for hours to dull the pain,
while she waited…
while God waited…
for me?
Sweet Eliza is still waiting. She is waiting inside a prison of loneliness and longing. She is longing to belong, to know love, to feel secure and safe.
And now I am waiting…
She will come around, Diane. Sayla did some of this. I don’t know how much you will see, but for Sayla it was only really bad a handful of times. Now she may go in her room or refuse to look the direction of family until she gets over it. It is often a stubborn streak or angry streak. The language barrier is not helpful. The girls here are gradually doing so much better still. It is quite a journey. It takes a long time and yet in some ways it seems quick too considering all they have been through. I’m guessing that she will gradually want what a mother has to offer her, but she will have to watch it for awhile. That is how Sayla was. All I have to compare to is my girls but I hope it helps some. Gradually the trust will come. I know how hard it is. I certainly went through phases in the journey just as much as the girls and I know that I continue to.
I am praying. I know how this hurts. Your insights are so good! Love to you!
Oh my…. this brought tears to my eyes. It must be really hard for all of you, and especially for Eliza… From reading your post I see that you understand her hurt and her needs, and really, that is what you need for her healing. Time, patience and the right approach… And I think that is what you are doing! It is so important for her to see that you understand her and accept her as she is, within your boundaries. I wish you a lot of wisdom and more and more sweet smiles.
warm regards,
Claudia Huisman, The Netherlands, mom to Nina (11 yrs) and Yuri (9 yrs), both from China.
I love the way you share your heart in this post, so full of understanding and patience. Perhaps you don’t feel very Patient, but I’m sure you’re doing great. Each month I have no doubt, (as we are all lifting eachother up in prayer) that you will see baby steps forward.
Karen is so right, as she slowly grasps more English, some of that fustration/powerlessness she feels will start to lessen.
One day at a time (((hugs)))
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He who goes to and from weeping, carrying his bag of seeds will, indeed, come again with a shout of joy, carrying his sheaves with him. Ps. 126:6
The vision is yet for the appointed time. It hastens toward the goal and will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it. It shall surely come, it will not delay. Hab. 2:3
Praying,
Pat
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Our hearts go out to you, Eliza, and the rest of your family. Y’all remain in our thoughts and prayers always. Remember that HE has this and will take care of you all. So sorry for the troubles but I know one day it will all be a distant memory and you’ll be enjoying the love of your daughter everyday!
You’re doing great. I know that this is so very difficult for you but I can hear in your words that you are working hard to make this not about you. It can feel intensely personal but it’s not about you. Just keep saying that. You just happen to be in the line of fire. Keep loving, keep trying and keep imagining how many times Christ reaches out over and over and over again to the lost sheep who ignore Him for what they think is best. I will continue to lift up your little lambs to God and ask that He give you HIS strength and peace.
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