I’m sitting in our lovely front room that Mark cleaned up for me before he left. It’s quiet because he has taken half the children to Ballet, and the others are playing quietly. Mark didn’t go to work today because when it was time for him to go, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I felt like the walls of responsibility were pressing in so ominously that I couldn’t bear for him to leave.
My body aches. My chest feels heavy. The days are hard.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the things God calls us to do.
I think it’s popular in the church to promote the idea that we give from our overflow. I think we’re taught to be cautious in our giving. We need to make sure we take care of our families first. We need to be sure we’re not wearing ourselves out giving more than we have to give.
There’s even a part of me that feels that way, especially now. There was nothing cautious about what we did.
There were even weeks during the adoption process that we gave every cent of Mark’s check to bring the girls home, and we trusted God to feed our family.
And He did.
There is nothing about what we have done that is cautious or easy.
In fact, it’s really hard. Evangeline constantly needs my attention. There is not a moment during the day when she is not reminding me that she either needs something or needs me. She is sweet and cute and loving, and I am so thankful for the way she loves me, but loving her through the years of loss and abandonment in her life is nothing short of exhausting.
Eliza is even tougher still. She is not bad. There is a sweetness about her, but other than settling in to our routine somewhat, I feel like we are living separate lives under the same roof. I am constantly trying to find something to engage her in, anything that might allow a kind of side by side connection with her. As long as I allow her to keep her distance from me and not expect anything from her, she seems okay, quiet, but okay.
The weight of her needs, Evangeline’s needs and the educational and emotional needs of our nine other children are pressing in so hard right now that I frequently feel like I can’t breathe.
I am spending so much time in prayer, asking God how He wants us to work through this stage and meet the needs of our children. There are even moments in my weakness when I have thought, I can’t do this.
Moments like today, like right now.
Even so I am more convinced than ever that God called us to bring home these girls, and in my heart, I know we will get through this early stage.
I know God is strong in our weakness, and I know He calls us to do hard things, things that are beyond our own strength. He called His own Son Jesus, to lay down His life on the cross, which was so incredibly hard for Jesus to do that He literally sweat blood the night before His crucifixion.
Eliza and Evangeline have a family. They have a home with lots of love, pretty bedrooms filled with sisters. They have food and medical care.
They aren’t orphans anymore. They don’t go to sleep on those hard slabs of wood alone wondering who or where their family is.
They have a Mom and a Dad, albeit imperfect ones.
(And they even have a crazy mom who will argue with the doctor on their behalf if need be.)
I know that God is making a way through this exhausting time in our lives, even if we can’t see it right now. I know that He is working these hard days together for good in our lives and in the lives of our children.
I’ve said it before, and I imagine I’ll say it many times as we walk through these exhausting days of loving God’s children, but I want to be right here in this hard place walking the path God has laid out before us.
I want to be right here in the midst of my Father’s will.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. ~Isaiah 43:19
Blessings!
Praying that God will renew His Strength in you! I am amazed at your ability to handle all that has landed on your plate. I thankful God blessed you with a caring husband that could be there today during the hard times.
Blessings!
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Keep going, sweet momma! You’re doing great! One step at a time while you watch the Master and not the waves. Prayers are still going up for you.
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And by the grace of God, you and Mark and your children will continue to do hard, exhausting things. Will continue to seek God’s guidance and wisdom every hour (minute?) of every day. Will continue to lean on God for strength to get through the minute. Will continue to plead for physical and spiritual health for all of your children. And will continue to grow closer to your Lord and bless your family and others along the way who watch. May God give you everything you and your chilren need for this day. Then do it all over again tomorrow. The love and prayers of onlookers like me go with you as you slog through mire of oily responsibility in order to fulfill the mission you have perceived as being God’s will for you all. Blessings! Edie
Sending hugs and putting you in my prayers…
You’re doing great. One day at a time. Still waiting for a phone call—I’m available (or can make myself so, lol) when you are! Love you, dear sister in Christ!
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It will get better Diane ! It might take many months but it will be ok !! The Velcro stage will finally end or at least taper off somewhat. Your family is in our prayers!!
Karen
Dear Diane … You are certainly a Blessed woman. You have a wonderful husband, wonderful children. The word wonderful doesn’t even begin to explain you. What you have done is really because God saw that something had to be done and chose you to do it. You are tired. Remember the difficult times. Tiredness comes to those who do wonderful things and most importantly for children. They depend on you. They also get tired. If you possibly can, please get a second opinion about another surgery. Both you and Evangeline are tired. You both have time to recapture your energy. Remember, we are not given that which we cannot do. You are an expert at succeeding. Well done Diane. Tomorrow will bring you a renewed energy. It will because your children need you, they love you and you return your love to them. Your rest will come. Remember that and concentrate on one day at a time.
Lurker popping up to say that I am humbled by your amazing faith and generosity and “essence of mother”. As trite as it sounds, bad times propel us to make good times. And you have given two orphans the gift of a family, and love, and there aren’t really words for the magnitude and power of that gift. My prayers go to you tonight.
Praying and Hugs. It is through the hard that we grow closer to our Lord. Although it is never easy when we are walking in the midst of the storm. Thankful you have such an understanding hubby who steps in and helps and supports you.
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Praying for you today. Praying for renewal & strength as you serve God with such beautiful love.
I hate that feeling of not being able to breathe and can totally understand why you’re experiencing those moments right now! :-/
Here’s a link to a website with instructions for quick relaxation techniques. I highly recommend deep breathing practice if you haven’t tried it, and they have some other techniques, too!
http://www.innerhealthstudio.com/quick-relaxation-scripts.html
Listening and praying…
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