The last twenty four hours have been tough ones for Evangeline.
Her knee has been bothering her for a few days, and today we found out that her tibia was broken. She has osteoporosis from the years of malnutrition in the orphanage.
Last night I took her with me to the kid’s ballet classes. I had to fit a couple tutus to the dancers.
Evangeline told me her knee hurt too badly to try class again. I think she is realizing that she just may not be physically able to do ballet. I’m sure this hurts her, and I wish with all of my heart I could make her load easier to bear.
My heart is so filled with love for her.
While I was fitting the tutus, Evangeline and Jonathan began to argue over a ribbon. By the time I realized something was wrong, Evangeline’s little face was so filled with rage. Her eyes were full of tears, but they didn’t spill over. They just pooled in her eyes.
I immediately took her out to the van to get her away from the people, but she ran away into the woods. Victoria and Colin ran after her and carried her back to the van. She kicked and screamed.
I kept talking to her in a quiet voice, and saying, “it will be okay.” And, “I love you.”
She hollered back in her precious Chinese accent, “No, it’s not okay! It’s not okay!”
And suddenly it hit me that this was not about the ribbon. This was deep buried anger from years of pain and loss that now, in the safety of her family, was finally surfacing. Tears filled my eyes as I said, “You’re right, Evangeline. It’s not okay. It wasn’t okay.”
This seemed to quiet her. She still looked at me with an anger that was too fierce for her years, but she was calmer. She stopped kicking. Her lip quivered and her eyes were full, but still she wasn’t crying.
The lump in my throat was so tight it choked me.
With tears streaming down my face, I said, “I love you, forever, no matter what.”
“What is forever? I don’t know forever!” She shouted back. Her words were filled with so much anger.
In my mind I thought how very telling those words were. No Evangeline. You don’t know forever. Nothing in your whole life has ever been forever. Of course you don’t know forever.
This time I typed the words in the translator, “I love you Evangeline, forever, no matter what.”
She wouldn’t look at the translator, but I hit the speaker and suddenly in the dark van, the translator spoke the words I couldn’t say in Chinese.
At the sound of the words, the tears that had been pooling in her eyes fell down her pretty cheeks, and she broke into heavy sobs. Her rigid body melted into my arms. I’m not sure how long we sat there in the back seat of the van, the two of us brought together only by the hand of God, her tiny body sobbing in sharp heaving convulsions, but for those few moments, it seemed to me that time stood still.
For those precious few moments, time and space were of no consequence. After years of bravery and loneliness, after over three thousand nights of waiting and longing, Evangeline was finally in her mother’s arms, and all the years of pain and loss came flooding into the present. For those few brief moments, the line that separated her past from her present blurred, and somehow, miraculously, I touched the tiny broken child that she was.
Somehow amidst those hot sweaty tears, I became a healing part of Evangeline’s past.
And that will never make sense.
And I will never the be the same.
We are so incredibly blessed to be walking these tough roads with our girls.
God is good.
So love you Diane.
Roberta recently posted..Broken Hearted and Loving IT!
What a precious moment. God is indeed very good all the time!
Jennifer P recently posted..The Hard Road – Part VI – The End of the Beginning
All of your posts are amazing, but this one is so touching and powerful. So glad that you were there to give her the love she deserved when she needed it the most. Praying that the Lord continues to give you and your family the words to help the girls understand your love and God’s love for them.
Erin Schmidt recently posted..DTC!!!!!
God can definitely bring beauty from the ashes. How wonderful to be a part of it.
that brought tears to my eyes, Diane. The pain and grief of our children is so deep and intense… I am so happy for you and your daughters that you are there to forever love them!
warm regards,
Claudia Huisman, The Netherlands, mom to Nina and Yuri from China
Evangeline’s aren’t the only tears spilling over. Thank you for continuing to share this journey.
Oh my goodness. I am in awe at what’s going on here. Will have to read this again later to process it fully. G-d bless you both, and thank you so much for sharing this so beautifully.
Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted. What a blessing for the comforter, as well.
Vertical Mom recently posted..Tis the Season
Diane, I love you for who you are. I am so glad that God put you in these girls lives. I sit here crying right along with you and your family. God will continue this healing and blessings will and are bountiful.