On January 12th, we will have had Eliza with us for four months.
As many of you know, getting to know Eliza has been difficult. It seems like I have been trying to understand her and figure out who she is inside since the very first moment we met her, and while there are still so many more questions than there are answers, we have made some significant progress.
On New Year’s Day, Eliza, Victoria and I worked on a puzzle together and finished it.
She loves to do puzzles and is exceptionally good at it.
She also has lovely handwriting. Her Chinese characters are quite beautiful. She copied some math problems for me, and when she was done, it looked like they had been typed in a handwriting script. The paper was remarkably beautiful, consistent and geometric. I’ll have to post a few pictures when I get home.
She is also a very good writer. We have had some of her writings translated, and on every occasion the translator has remarked that she is an exceptional writer. One said, “Wow. I can’t even write like that.”
I know that she is learning the language and understands much of what we say to her, but she is very slow to speak. She seems to almost ‘bark’ out one word answers if I insist she say the word instead of just point at what she wants. I have heard her speak in Chinese, and her tone seems to be loud and short, not consistent with someone who has the writing ability she has.
She usually does not answer us when we speak to her unless we insist.
She loves the dogs and the cat. If they need anything, I usually call Eliza because she absolutely loves to take care of them.
I think she has difficulty socially and struggles to interpret and use social cues. I have learned from other mothers of the girls from Eliza’s orphanage that Eliza did not play with the girls in the orphanage. She pretty much played with the boys. As I have watched her, I have noticed that she really does not have the ability to connect with people emotionally in a typical way.
She appears to exist on the surface, and the only interaction we have been able to have with her is a kind of a side by side connecting in an activity. When she interacts with the children, it is either by poking, teasing, chasing, or just by calling their names over and over again. When we ask her what she wants to say, she shakes her head no.
The night before we left for the hospital, Sophia, Evangeline, Eliza and I were standing around the island in the kitchen talking about going to the hospital. Out of the blue, Eliza leaned over and gave Sophia a big, awkward kiss on her hand. It was inappropriate, and caught Sophia and Evangeline off guard. The girls laughed, but I felt that it was a reflection of genuine feelings for her sister on Eliza’s part.
We know from her writing that there is much more to Eliza than her behavior leads us to believe. I have asked her to write me a letter, and told her I would have it translated, but she shakes her head no.
She is very good and seems eager to obey.
She loves her life with us.
She has bonded with me. She comes and sits so close to me on the bed or couch that she is touching me. She tells me she loves me. When I left for the hospital with Evangeline, she must have initiated at least six goodbye hugs with big widespread arms, like an airplane.
She really does not want to look people in the eye.
She is very neat. She keeps her bed and things she hoards on, under and around the bed in perfect order. Her shoes are all lined up in a row beside her bed.
When she is particularly happy or excited, she runs, skips or spins through the house.
She is precious, and wriggles with contentment and joy when we pray with her and tuck her into bed at night.
We are so blessed to have the privilege to care for sweet Eliza.
May God continue to give us wisdom as we grow in understanding of our new daughter.
Blessings!
I have a child with Asperger’s (on the autism spectrum) and so much of what you write about Eliza can fit my son. I really think that she may have Asperger’s just by the things you have written. My son wants to be social but just is very awkward about it and does socially inappropriate things as well. He is very intelligent but lacks the ability to relay his feelings. There are a few things that he is exceptionally good at (like Eliza with her writing) that are above the average for even an adult…and he is only 8.
Since shortly after you came home with her, I have suspected her to be on the spectrum from the various things that you have written. It might be worth a shot down the road having her looked at by a neurologist or a developmental pediatrician with these suspicions. It would help you understand why she does what she does if you know for sure the diagnosis she has.
If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Our son has been diagnosed since 28 months. We’ve been through many research studies and he has had various therapies throughout his life. I’m not expert, but I may be able to answer some questions or even tell you some questions to ask at the doctor’s office.
Much love and hugs for all that God has blessed you with. He put a lot in your arms knowing that you can do this…even on the days that you aren’t so sure.
Hi Amy,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your thoughts. It is helpful to have you confirm my feelings. I have wondered from the very first day we met her if she was on the spectrum. Our oldest son has very mild Aspergers. I would say that Eliza’s symptoms are much more severe than our son’s. so far, we have been unable to have her evaluated because her willingness to cooperate has just not been there. I think we are getting closer.
I really appreciate you willingness to share your thoughts.
Blessings!
My first thought when reading this, is could she possibly have some hearing problems??? People with hearing loss tend to speak loudly. She could also be embarrassed to say english words, thinking she’s not saying them correctly or saying the words properly.
I would be hesitant to consider ant mental health issues, like Asperger’s/autism at this early in the game. She is so new to the English language and although she’s heard it at home and in the community, she has not been around it long enough to have a full understanding of it. English is the most difficult language to learn.
Maybe you could play with the kids, doing “staring contests”, as a way to begin to get her used to eye-contact. I just read on another China adoption blog, that eye-contact is not encouraged by children in China. Especially with adults! Get the kids to do the “whoever blinks first” loses the game.
Eye contact is actually very intimate. They say that “eyes are windows to the soul”. I had a very difficult time with it when I was younger. I still do, at times. When a baby is born, they are “usually” held in a position to feed, either breast/bottle fed, which naturally causes them to look into the eyes of their care-giver. You know that love and nurturing feeling that you develop with your infants! I’d guess that your 2 new daughters most likely did not have that type of nurturing. I don’t know what their early months/years were like, but in most orphanages, the bottle is propped. Wow, that makes me sad to even think about! To miss out on that would be devastating for the development of an infant.
One of the things that helped me learn to communicate and heal, was working with a therapist who used “Sand Play”. She had a big tray of fine, white sand and a shelf full of ALL things miniature. We would sit on the floor and I always chose what I wanted to play with. We really never talked about the objects I chose. But, she learned a LOT about my past through the things I did. I think all of your children would enjoy it! It isn’t like a regular sandbox in the backyard type of thing. It should be used one-on-one, like a parent & child alone time. It’s a great project to do as a family. Have everyone be on the look for tiny/miniature objects…dolls, house hold items, vehicles, foods, trees. Everything can be used for play and learning! I am always finding things on the ground outside. Pennies, small toys. And, I always pick them up! Of course, I am cautious about things being clean. I even have a tiny pink rubber puppy on the dash of my car! It was on the cement when I opened my car door, about SIX years ago! : )
Anyways, just a suggestion for finding some special “Mommy & Me” or “Daddy & Me” time with a child. If you have some type of cabinet with a door, you can keep all of the “things” in that cabinet to use only during that special time. You would be amazed at what you can learn about someone by just casually chatting and observing.
OKAY, I am going to stop now! I have no idea why all of that spilled out, but I’m thinking that He is speaking here. You can give it some thoughts and share it with your Hubby. (Oh, and I’d be willing to send some fun things for your special shelf!) Give the Kids a hug for me! I will continue to pray for all of you. Love you all! ~ Jo
Karen J Moseley recently posted..IVY JOY NEEDS OUR PRAYERS
Thank you, sweet Jo! I always love your heartfelt reflections!
I thought the same thing about Aspergers and was glad to see the first comment. A lot of the markers seem to be there. The problem is teasing that out from the orphanage delays, etc. I am glad that she is making such beautiful progress.
Jennifer P recently posted..Joy – A Step Back Into Reality
Yes, I really have thought she might be on the spectrum since the very first day we met her.
We are praying for your family, Jennifer, and your sweet blessings!
Hi Diane our daughter is very similar at the beginning she would also yell out words and just poke and teae. It was very annoying to people and i tried to explain that to her but it didnt stop totally for a long time She is also smart and very organized. Socially still after 2 yrs is real tough for her. He is getting bttr at hugging but will not kiss. She is more comfortable with adults than children. Hardly talks in school but great with her sister from guatemal the same age. She has gotten better but I know she prob has some form of aspergers both I wont tell the family or school because I dont want her labeled or analyzed as of now.
Yes, it is draining sometimes, but she is learning.
Diane, Aspergers came to mind for me too. When she is more acclimatized, and if at that point you still think she’s on the spectrum, look into a brain-based therapy like Integrated Listening (integratedlistening.com ). In the interests of full disclosure, I’m a certified provider, but please know I tell you this with complete disinterest because obviously you would want someone local. It’s been very powerful for some kids and it actually provides some permanent non-harmful brain changes.
I looked at this, and am really interested in learning more about it. Thank you!
Asperger’s came to mind for me as well, as my husband has AS. It could also be some form of what they call institutional autism.
My husband did not speak much as a child, but he has always been a very eloquent and creative writer, since he was little. He would think for a while before responding, which led to his teachers thinking he was delayed (which he’s not). He spoke in a monotone voice. Didn’t make eye contact. He still doesn’t always respond when spoken to…it doesn’t necessarily occur to him to make some noise of acknowledgement. At 25, he has worked very hard on his own to improve on some of his symptoms. He has a made a study of human body language, but he has to actively read it, it doesn’t come naturally. He can also be very particular about the way things are done or lined up or organized.
Usually people with Asperger’s have horrible handwriting, but it could easily go the other way with focus in that area. Inappropriate social behavior is pretty typical as well.
Monica
Monica recently posted..Giveaway! End Feb 2!
I have a son who is quite normal, though highly intelligent. Your descriptions of Eliza remind me of him. Another mom told me recently she wondered about Aspberger’s for my son, but my friend a child psychologist countered, “No, he is fine socially. He is just smarter than all of us.”
So, Eliza is deep waters, she’s been institutionalized, she’s learned to live under the conditions of being a child, not a daughter. My son was mine in the womb, his identity is sure there. Eliza is learning… So much, so quickly.
Thank you for your heart for her. Thank you for giving her time to allow her to bloom, but also giving her sunshine (hugs, closeness, allowing her to care for your animals) and a little rain (the letter project) to beckon her out. I will look forward to seeing what God does in your daughters.
Lifting up Evangeline today… What is God up to?