We have been home from China with our girls for six months.
Every single day I have chosen to love, to be patient, to welcome endless pleas for attention with outstretched arms, to soften words that would lash out in frustration and exhaustion with gentle loving tones, to hold back the disappointment and the anger of endless, ever so annoying calls for mommy that interrupt every single thing I must do each and every day.
Today I write from a frustration that I must never reveal here in my home, in Eliza’s home.
The very moment I met Eliza, I knew that the road ahead would be a long and difficult one. I knew it from my years of experience in the institutions, I knew it deep inside in that part of me that is in daily, moment by moment communion with the Holy Spirit.
As the days passed, I pleaded for help from social workers and doctors and from our agency. I prayed every single day for strength to love this precious child so loved by God, but who tried my patience beyond expression.
But there was no help for us, only the wisdom from the word of God that years of faith had taught me, the wisdom that I had to walk in obedience to the One who called me and love this child who drained everything inside of me.
I knew there were significant cognitive deficits that prevented Eliza from making a healthy adjustment into our family. I shared my concerns with so many professionals who all promised to help, who reminded me that we weren’t alone, and who told me we had to give it time.
But when we turned out the lights at night, Eliza was sleeping under our roof, eating at our table, living in our home, interacting with our children, yearning for love from Mark and me, and God was here giving us strength, but we were physically alone every single moment.
Now, six months have passed. Evangeline bubbles with exuberance in her newly acquired language. She speaks freely with emotion and understands ninety five percent of what we say. Yet, Eliza struggles to bark out two and three gutteral, raspy, unenunciated words at a time. She comprehends a lot, but needs frequent translation from Evangeline to communicate with us.
Doctors sympathize, but acknowledge Eliza is the exception. She is rare. They admit being befuddled and unsure of where to start.
Yet, we press on, daily choosing to love this wounded butterfly that is trapped by a mind that cannot express itself, doesn’t seem to understand social cues, and keeps her in her own sort of prison.
Day after day, moment after moment she comes to me, interrupts me, and pushes her entire body into mine. She lays across my chest with her head down, and I hold her. She spills my coffee, lays on my food, trips me as I carry bowls of food.
She calls me over and over again, and I gently respond out of God’s grace and patience, “Yes, Eliza, I am here. What do you need?”
She grins, “Nothing.”
Other times she repeats the obvious over and over again, “Mommy, cat.” as she points. “Dog. You tired? Daddy work? Eat.” And I repeat in forced patience, “Yes, Eliza, that is the dog. Yes, daddy is working,” ad infinitum, until I feel I cannot do it anymore.
There is no expression beyond the most basic phrases commenting on the obvious.
And daily, I feel I am living my worst nightmare.
And in my exhaustion, I think what a dirty deed this was for God to give me Eliza.
I cry out to my Father in Heaven who orchestrated the entire thing, and I beg for strength and peace and determination to follow Him in this most difficult of paths.
I share this because I know I am not alone. I know there are others who are caring for a child that is difficult to love. I know there are others walking a similar road, and I must write and share the struggle with them.
I know there are some who are even caring for a biological child that is exhausting and difficult to love.
I write this because it is my story.
I write this because Eliza matters. She matters to God and she matters to me.
And in the midst of this most exhausting journey, I know God is working His redemption story in Eliza’s life.
I feel He is saying to me, just as He said to the people of Jerusalem, “This is the way, walk in it.”
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:18-21
It’s hard.
It stretches me in ways I have never been stretched.
It brings me to the feet of Jesus over and over again every single day.
And I know that God has given me Eliza for a reason. He has a plan for me and for precious Eliza that is beyond anything I could hope for.
God rescued her from a life that would have further wounded and abused His dear child.
He gave her to me to love, to protect, and to cherish.
I’m called to love Eliza, to lay down my life for her.
In the midst of the disappointment and brokenness and exhaustion, I hear my precious Savior saying to me, “This is the way, walk in it. I love you. I long to bless you. Trust me for your life and for dear Eliza’s. Trust me. ”
Dear friend who is struggling, know this.
God is with you.
You are not alone.
He loves you and your child.
He is working His redemption.
You can trust Him.
I close with this dear Hymn that I grew up singing. It’s faithful words still bless me.
Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus
O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!
Blessings!
Diane,
Thank you so much for writing this blog post. Right now I feel like you wrote it just for me. I can relate to all that you have written. We adopted our 4 y.o. son from China last May. He is a handful. It is very difficult to love him. I just have to keep leaning on my Father who loves me when I certainly don’t deserve it. I know God is using our son for our sanctification and we just need to keep our eyes focused on the Savior.
Thank you again,
Angie
Oh, Diane…I am still praying for you. I’m so glad you wrote this. It’s posts like this that help other moms realize they are not alone, they are not evil, they are not some freakish, unloving mother. I needed posts like these. You ARE loving her. I needed someone to tell that to me when I didn’t feel “in love.” I needed to know that it was okay to have obedient love and to be reminded that love isn’t a feeling, it’s an act. Hang in there, sweet lady. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. {{HUGS}}
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hi Diane,
Thank you for being vulnerable, and for being brave enough to share your true deepest feelings. I recognise a lot of it… To be able to love another, you have to love yourself first. In all aspects. Your faith will get you through this, I am sure. Hang in there!
Warm regards,
Claudia
Praying and thank you for sharing so openly!
Chantelle Grubbs recently posted..Essie’s Car Seat
Thank you for writing what you did today. It met me exactly where I am. We have our good days with our daughter and we have our bad days. It just seems like they are so extreme — either really, really good or awfully, awfully bad. And this from my daughter who was in an institution for a mere 22 months in comparison to your teenage girls.
I feel so guilty on the bad days, for feeling like I just can’t go on, like I’m just not cut out to be the mom my daughter needs or deserves. It is a lot more exhausting than I ever imagined it would be.
With God’s help, we’ll press on.
Thank you for sharing your story Diane. You are a very good parent and I admire all the things that you do for Eliza. You are such an inspiration to me. I know that you are going through tough times now but I know that you’ll be able to get through it because you are a true and loving mother plus, you have faith, which is the most important of all. I will be praying for you.
Diane – when we brought our daughter home 14 months ago, this was where we were. Where we still sometimes are. It is hard. Very hard. You are not alone in your journey – for God sees you and He cares. I promise you there is the other side of this – and God knows when you will get there. Praying for you –
Has anyone ever suggested an augmentative communication system or aided language stimulation for Eliza? I don’t want to butt in with advice when I only know Eliza through your posts via a friend on Facebook. The following link shows a system in action. Hoping this is helpful. Thank you sharing your struggles and faith. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yogp9X6SLhY
When I read your blog, I think you a natural born mom. Even though we may be the same age, I have actually thought, “I wish she were MY mom!” 🙂
You are blessed with patience, insight, honesty. And you are brave to share your vulnerable heart.
Praying for you and your sweet family.
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I’m continuing to pray for you and your precious family, Diane! The Lord brings you often to my mind. Thank you for sharing your struggles and Eliza’s–it helps us know better how to pray for you.
Molly recently posted..The Power of Appreciative Words
2 1/2 years home. I have an Eliza. I wish I would have done the neuropsych in Chinese when she was newly home. Now we are preparing for one in English, because she is not fluent in Chinese – but CERTAINLY not fluent in English. “It’s language acquisition – just give it time.” It’s not. And now we have lost more time. She hasn’t attached.
I understand.
I so understand Diane! We also adopted a daughter from Zhongshan who knows Eliza. She came home to us at 14 and joined our family to make 7,and it has been a real struggle. I too worried that God had given me more than I could handle, but he brings me through each day and things continue to get better. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward and then three steps bak, but we keep plugging along. Would love to talk if you ever need a sympathetic ear.
Robyn Rathe
Oh thank you for sharing your daily story with us here on your blog. There’s nothing I can say that you haven’t said already so beautifully. Walking in His Way is the only way to walk. He alone makes every day worth living, and we can believe His promise when He says…. “My grace is sufficient~!!!” Love you even though I have never met you personally. Love you because of your great love for Jesus and the little girls that He gave you. Love you because of your love for your family. Praying for you tonight and thanking God for you~!!!
Because HE loved us first,
Diane
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