Every single day, I feel a gnawing, a craving to come here to this tiny site in cyberspace, to this blank spot where words flow easily, where they tumble out tangled and tousled from that quiet, aching, yearning, hoping space inside of me and somehow become ordered linear thoughts.
It’s here where my words find their home and here where clarity becomes mine,— here on my blog, here in this open place where I shared my deepest dreams and hopes while they were still young and new and only existed within me, here where I wrote my way out of the doubts and fears and watched those dreams transcend the natural, the spiritual, and become material realities in my life.
It’s here where I watched God bring my daughters home.
It’s here, here on this blog where God opened up the globe to me and gave me so many cherished friends — dearest comrades in this journey we all walk by faith. God’s given me a plethora of prayer partners, encouragers, warriors, lovers of my soul, and even critiques here among the pages of this blog, and the prayers of all these blessings He’s given me have carried me through the years of darkness.
Your prayers
It’s here where some have asked me to rethink my actions, my words, here where I am held accountable.
It’s here where my heart is.
I love to write here, to pray for everyone who reads my blog, even all the quiet ones whom I’ve never met..
It’s here I’ve longed to come and write every single day and share myself with you.
Yet, I’ve not done that.
I’ve wrestled with writing on my blog for as long as I’ve not been here.
Today, in all of the humility that years of pain and suffering can bring, I want to sort it out with you. I want to see if i can express the feelings and the thoughts that have held me back.
For me, this public space is a Holy hamlet amidst a warring world where I must be honest and true and where I must be certain that I am above reproach, where I don’t ever cross the line of God’s best for me or for my family — or for anyone who reads my blog.
Our words matter. They have power. God spoke the world into existence. He spoke man into being.
I will be held accountable for the words I write here.
God’s word says, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.” James 3:9
Jesus is referred to as the Word in the beginning of John’s Gospel. He is the Living Word.
My words must be faithful to God and speak of Him as He truly is.
“John 1:1-5 King James Version (KJV)
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
2 The same was in the beginning with God.
3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.
4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.”
I’ve prayed for this blog to be an encouragement to others, a place where Jesus shines His light through me and uses me for His Glory.
During the past weeks and months and years I’ve not struggled with faith. I’ve not doubted what God has been allowing in my life; I have been deeply discouraged in my soul. I’ve been in so much pain and grief and hopelessness about my life here on earth.
I’ve questioned my role here and have often believed that my life hasn’t been bearing fruit. I’ve wondered if my work here has been finished and if God was about to take me home to be with Him.
There’s an old saying, “You’re either on the stretcher or you’re carrying the stretcher.”
Dear friends, I’ve been on the stretcher. I’ve been surviving. I’ve been on meds that have not only helped to heal me and carry me through the pain but have caused side effects that have altered my mind and made me sicker. It’s been a deep dark valley.
I’ve had no focus of mind or ability to remain attentive, lucid, on a post here. I’ve been hurting and needy and deeply dependent upon my family and friends to help me though the days, physically and emotionally.
I’ve not wanted to come here to this special space and complain.
I haven’t been able to feel thankful for the pain or even the journey.
I’ve not wanted to be a discouragement.
I’ve not trusted my ability to make wise decisions about what I might write here. In so many ways I’ve not been present. It’s as though I’ve walked this journey watching myself from afar.
I’ve held back and prayed for healing and thanked the Holy Spirit for interceding on my behalf as I’ve not even known how to pray or possessed the strength.
I never came to this blog to write in my own strength. The words flowed out of me after much prayer and faith that God would use me. I never wanted to use this blog to brag or to bring glory to myself. When I couldn’t even pray, it seemed only right to stay away to keep myself from sin or finding any hope or satisfaction in my own words – lost and drifting in a sea of shambles and suffering.
Now I find myself in a place where I can see God’s light again shining off in the distance. It beckons me to hope again. Its joy calls me, and I hear Jesus’ words loud and clearly.
I feel the words rushing up inside of me, breaking upon the shore of my soul, ready to be spilled out again for God’s glory and purpose. A palpable thankfulness for the pain deeply fills me now, an awareness that God has used the physical and spiritual anguish to humble me, to clarify His vision within me, to level me completely bereft without Him.
I am moved with a consuming compassion for all of my readers and the entire world.
That is the evidence that reassures me that God has prepared me to write again.
“The Lord of the Harvest
…36When He saw the crowds, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. 37Then He said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. 38Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest.”… “ Matthew 9:36 – 38.
By faith I share with you that there will be more posts bourgeoning upon the face of this blog for I am once again, in spite of the burning nerve pain and aching of my muscles, able by God’s grace to ask that God would make of me a worker unto His harvest field.
May God keep you safe as this earthly world groans and wrestles with agonies and uncertainties of its own.
Blessings All!
Thank you for sharing your journey. You have been such an inspiration to us all!! I can’t imagine going through all you are and still wanting to encourage others and me. You are such a beautiful person. I have kept you in my daily prayers for healing. I’ve seen Gods healing power I believe I love you my friend.
Oh Lori, thank YOU for encouraging me and for your faithful prayers. Your prayers have carried me through the darkness to this place where I can write again. God is si good to have blessed me with such a faithful friend as you are.
God bless you.
Xo
Thank you! I love your writing and pray for God’s strength in you to continue to do so.
Thank you so much Janine for your kind words of encouragement to me. Thank you for your prayers. I covet every single one and thank you for your faithfulness to me through all this time I’ve not been able to write.
God bless you.
Xo
Thank you! May God continue to give you the strength to continue to write.
Janine Dillard Heffley
Hi Janine,
Oh I must thank you! Thank you for your prayers and taking time to encourage me.
God bless you and keep you safe.
Xo
I’m so thankful to hear of His continued work in your life Diane!! I’m so thankful to see you back on your blog….Hr had given you SUCH an incredible gift in writing! I pray you find deep joy and purpose as you follow His lead! Love to you!
Hi Jane,
Thank you so much for your sweet words. You have been such an incredible blessing to me. God bless you. xoxo