I remember when we were working to bring our girls home. I longed so much to hold them, to rock away the years we had lost. I longed to love away the years of pain and abandonment in their lives, to kiss away the tears they had cried.
But I wondered. At fourteen, would they let me hold them?
When I first started to think about adopting, I imagined going for a little girl, maybe around five. I’m not sure when I began to be drawn to the girls who were aging out, but I know it was God working in my heart, not my will, but thine.
Every step of the way has been a gradual laying down of my life, of my desires, of my will. And in so doing, I have been filled with joy and fulfillment beyond measure.
I share this because, even in adopting our two teenage daughters, God gave me two precious, lovely young ladies with little girl’s hearts.
They came to us so naive, so incredibly young, so starved for love and attention.
Holding Evangeline came naturally and happened very early on. She was so incredibly tiny and at fourteen, had not even begun to go through puberty.
She loves princesses and dolls and anything pink. She was sick and frail when we met her and very much a little girl in just about every way.
Eliza, on the other hand, seemed more hesitant to allow me to get close. She didn’t want me to touch her, even though I really longed for that connection with her. It was quite a while before she would allow me to get close to her.
In the beginning it seemed like all I could do was smile tenderly at her and say, “You know I love you, don’t you?” as she ran away from me.
Little by little I began to break through the wall I felt was between us.
Then one night, she climbed on my lap, and I rocked her.
Those few moments were so healing for Eliza and for me.
Because I spent my career days in Psychology, I clearly understood that if a child’s needs weren’t met at each stage of development, they get stuck at that stage and are unable to progress to the next one.
I really felt I needed to give her a few minutes each day when it was okay for her to be a baby again, when she could snuggle with her mommy, when there were no expectations and no pretense. I was convinced she needed the permission to go back for a few moments every day to meet those needs, and I was also convinced she needed to know that she could count on those few minutes every day.
I filled a sippy cup with warm chocolate milk, and took her upstairs with me. I asked her if she would like me to rock her, and she said yes. We got her warm soft blanket we had given her for Christmas and wrapped her up in it, and she sat on my lap snuggled in her blanket.
I have been rocking her ever since.
I still do not see much of an increase in emotional maturity, but I do notice a very significant improvement in her language. The interesting thing to me was that I noticed that improvement right away. The very next day, she was more bubbly, more connected and much more verbal.
Her language continues to improve.
There is a security about her now that I didn’t notice before.
Frequently throughout the day she asks me if I am going to rock her at night. I alway say yes, and she grins. She still interrupts me for hugs all day long, but if I can’t hug her then, at least I can say, “I can’t hug you now, Eliza, but I will hold you tonight.”
Rocking Eliza has been good for me too. It has given me time each day to love that little child who was left, who cried for her mother alone.
In addition, there were so many days I didn’t feel like I was Eliza’s mother. I lacked the confidence to really parent her, and rocking her has made me feel like her mother. I feel totally comfortable with Eliza now and so much more confident as her mother.
There are times when I am tired and the bedtime routine of putting all the children to bed each night seems long, and I wonder how long I will be rocking her. I wonder sometimes if she will ever be filled, if her needs will ever be met.
I notice in both the girls the overwhelming desire for attention, to be first, to be certain I am being fair. They are constantly looking for evidence that I love them, and that they belong here as much as our biological children do.
I sit down or lay down for a little while every afternoon. I have done this all of my married life. Our biological children know that I’m laying down, and they are content to play or rest as well. They don’t need me, and I believe they rather enjoy the break from my focussed attention.
Not so for Eliza and Evangeline. If I sit down for a moment, they light upon me, constantly needing my focussed attention and reassurance of my love for them. I have begun to explain to the girls that mommies get tired too, and that I need a few minutes each afternoon of quiet when they don’t talk to me. Then after my rest, we can hug again.
Many of you know that I homeschool. I give focussed attention all day long, and then again all evening. Around 3:00 pm, my brain is tired, and I really need a rest.
I think they are learning.
I pray that someday they will come to be secure in their lives here and in our love for them, but even more than in our love, I hope that they will come to know the love of the Savior and find their utmost security and fulfillment in knowing Him.
In the meantime, I pray they are seeing Jesus in us. He is most definitely here, filling us with His love and patience.
And in Eliza and Evangeline’s sweet faces,
I see the face of God.
Blessings!
This post just brought tears to my eyes…..God Bless You….
Beautiful post Diane, and very thought-provoking…..thank you for this glimpse into their journey of healing. The girls are very lucky to have found a mom who has both such an abundance of both compassion, and also a clinical background to aid in understanding what might be going on.
I find it VERY interesting that Eliza’s language was immediately affected by the rocking – who knows at what critical moment some particular trauma occurred and resulted in some specific piece of development getting frozen or stuck in a time warp. I feel like your blog should be required reading for adoptive or would-be adoptive parents!
So awesome Diane! I love reading your posts!
sweet mama Diane…you are doing so well and the girls are so lucky that you are their FOREVER mama… Bless you and bless them…
warm regards, Claudia
This reminds me of Isaiah 66:12, This is what the LORD says: I will offer you peace like a river and the wealth of the nations like an overflowing stream. You will nurse and be carried in Jerusalem’s arms and cuddled on her knees. (God’s Word Translation)
Ever so lovely… God is faithful.
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