I haven’t written much lately. My days are filled with children and their school work. One day a week we have a home-school co-op that we attend together. We also run to ballet every day for various classes. In between all that, I work on the house and meals for the family. Most evenings I fall into bed at night with an inkling of a post in my head that never has the chance to come to fruition.
On top of all the typical busyness of a homeschooling mother, my mind has been on overdrive trying to figure out what God has been doing in my heart, and trying to get the nerve to really follow Him.
When our daughter Olivia, who is now two, was only a few months old, I began to really feel led to adopt from China. At first, I really struggled with the whole idea. I felt selfish. I already had nine beautiful children. Why would I now desire to go half way around the world to adopt a child that someone with a smaller family could have? Or even more poignantly, why would I adopt a child that a family with no children at all could adopt?
Then, God began to impart His wisdom to the still quiet depths of my being. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about the deep longing inside me to love another. It wasn’t even about my broken heart for these precious children waiting for a family.
It was all about the children, 147,000,000 children. God’s children all over the world who really need a family.
My next big struggle, and I suppose one I still struggle with, was the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. I fall short in so many ways. I love children, and think nothing of sitting down to read to them amidst a sea of laundry. I have struggled with the whole planning end of managing my home. Far too many nights have arrived with my live in the moment self unprepared for dinner.
My children are precious and have hearts of gold. They pray with me. They’re kind and sweet to their siblings, but not too big on getting the work done.
Don’t get me wrong. I have made great strides in managing my home. I’m just saying it isn’t my natural strength, and I do have a large family to manage.
And, the truth is, I am just plain weaker than most. I developed a muscle disease when I was a child, and although it has really not reared its ugly head much in my adulthood, some weakness remains.
While I’m listing just a few of our long lists of weaknesses, I might as well add that my husband commutes to work two hours each way every day, and arrives home so late every night that the day is, for all practical purposes, over.
Not to mention all the many needs of our children that are still waiting for their turn to be addressed, or for the means to address them.
So it’s in the midst of rearing this very real family, with all of its struggles and growing pains, that I feel led to begin this adoption journey. Even though I still wrestle with all of these feelings and self doubts, I have come to accept that no family is perfect. God doesn’t call perfect people to serve Him. He equips the ones He calls.
I’ve decided to stop asking, “Why me, Lord?” and begun to say, “Here am I, Lord. Send me!”
But even with my heart willing to go and be His hands and feet to the fatherless, I have still held back trying to save and wait for the money to come. I have thought that maybe in February when our taxes come back we would at least have the money to begin. You see, I’m trying to figure this all out in my own strength.
However, now I feel that gentle tugging at my heart again, to step out in faith and allow God to make a way even when I can’t see one.
When God sent Jonah to Ninevah, it made no sense to him. And sometimes, going to China makes no sense to me. Yet, I long to go. I long to welcome an orphan into our albeit imperfect family. I long to be God’s hands and feet to these little ones. I long to give my life, in it’s entirety, to my Heavenly Father no matter how many people fail to understand, and no matter how foolish it may look in the natural.
I must be about my Father’s business.
Will you pray with us?