Evangeline is sleeping late this morning. It is quiet, and I want to share a few things with all of you today that I wasn’t sure I could or should share before.
I think there is a trend in the blog world to write about the fairy tale of adoption. And it is a fairy tale. It is wonderful and full of excitement and feel good feelings. It is an incredible blessing to know that your obedience to God’s calling in your life is making a difference in the life of someone so less fortunate than yourself. I love being on this journey. I’m so thankful God has chosen to bless us by calling us to this most exciting work of His.
But there is a hard side too, and I feel lead to be transparent, to share the difficulties. It is my hope that this post will speak to one person or encourage another to move forward into God’s will for their lives. Indeed, no matter how hard, there is no greater joy.
While we were in China, there were moments when I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and compassion for Eiiza. There were moments when I was filled with the Holy Spirit’s love for her. I say moments because that’s all it was, just moments.
Most of the time, I felt an all consuming awareness of how tough this was going to be.
If you were following my blog at the time, you will remember there was no blog post the night we met Eliza. Although I didn’t share it then, when I met her, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. The wind was completely knocked out of me. I recognized what I thought was microcephalus, and as the moments and days unfolded in China, I could see we were dealing with so much more than we had expected.
I really felt like Jonah must have felt when God sent Him to Nineva.
You want me to do this???
I think I shared my feelings back then with five people, Mark, our daughter Victoria, my mother, a friend that was with me in China and a dear bloggy friend who has adopted a teenager.
And I want to share this.
As much as those feelings consumed me, I did not give them much consideration at all. Feelings come and go. We don’t walk with God by feelings. We walk by faith, a determined, cognitive decision to put our trust in the One who called us.
I knew, in the deepest part of my heart, that we were called to bring these two precious girls home. God had made that so clear to us. We were compelled to adopt these children, and He had moved every mountain that stood in the way. He had provided miraculously to bring these children home. My feelings just did not matter at that point. They certainly weren’t anything upon which we could base a decision that would have lifelong consequences for Eliza.
Our marriages don’t succeed by feelings. A marriage that makes it through the years is one where each partner makes a daily commitment to love even when they don’t feel like loving, when each partner daily lays down their lives for each other.
It is the choice to do what we know in our hearts is right that comes first. The feelings will come and go, but it is the willful decision to move forward in obedience to God that keeps us on the path He has called us to.
It’s not about the feelings.
As we have come home, and I have chosen to love Eliza daily, moment by moment with my actions and words, I do see huge growth.
Eliza has really bonded with Mark. I hear her sweet voice in my mind right now calling Mark, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.” And Mark is beginning to have the fatherly feelings of protection and love for our new daughter.
He said to me last night, “Diane, I hear her calling me, and I think she loves me. I’m her Dad.”
I see the children loving her, really loving her, embracing her, regarding her as their sister. I see Eliza settling into life with our family, and I do see moments when she lets me in.
I do not regret our decision to bring her home. Sometimes I feel the weight of what God has called us do, and I struggle beneath the weight. On Friday, I collapsed under it’s weight.
And so did Jesus.
I’m sure He cried.
I know He collapsed under the weight of the cross.
I’ll probably cry again, but I know that I am walking in God’s will for my life. And I know that I have already been so blessed to be a part of this journey.
I want to be right here, in the midst of God’s unfolding story for our lives.
I want to pour my life out for God.
By God’s grace and power, we will walk the path God has laid out for us.
And our joy will be full.
God bless you, Diane, and your whole family. Thank you for being so honest when that must be a little scary. This statement sums it up so beautifully, “Feelings come and go. We don’t walk with God by feelings. We walk by faith, a determined, cognitive decision to put our trust in the One who called us.” I shared that quote on FB because it is so appropriate for us to remember every day, no matter what we face.
Blessings,
Judee in Iowa
Lift you up in my prayers!
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You say it all, Diane. No one can know exactly what it is like to walk in your shoes, but I can guess. Adopting 3 older at over the age of 50 has had its rough and rocky moments, DAILY. I like you believe we were called. I like you, move forward. And yes, you need to tell some people it is not all about glorious feelings and happiness in an earthly way. There are many moments of frustration and pain. Adoption is for those called by God to do it only. I don’t know why he chose us but he did through adoption. He calls me to do all kinds of things that I don’t really understand but this life is but a grain of sand. So much of the worldly stuff does not matter, but love does…….. Love in Jesus Christ, Karen
Diane this is so true n some people do make it sound like a fairy tale. What makes drs think eliza has microcephaly n will it affect her. She doesnt look like she does to me. I am going through the pcos syndrome with the bad acne with. My daughter. This hinders her vonfidence even more but our bonding has gotten alot better in these 2 yrs. she didnt no how to show emotion but is trying n is very thankful to hv a family. I was devastated in china with the wierd behavior also. It does get better n i guess children do not come with guarentees. We only go by a pic n a little write up. You seem like a great person n it will all work out w patience n prayer. Judy
Thank you for sharing your honesty….do hope you have a good day….
Keep going, Diane! Those feelings are the same feelings that most of us have when we first bring our adopted kids into our lives. Over and over, I have had to remind myself that these feelings will pass. When you’ve never been through it before, you’re afraid things will never be any different but they will! Just push through those feelings and counter them with the Voice of Truth. What you feel has a name, it’s called Post Adoption Depression and it’s normal. Just keep looking up…not at the waves.
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Diane, I want you to know you are such an inspiration to me. You write so beautifully and your trust and love shine through it all. Thank you for the gifts you give to so many. Many prayers coming for you and your family!
He has and is doing a beautiful work in the lives of your family and you will not fully know all the fruit of your obedience on this side of eternity! You are a blessing and an inspiration. Praying for your days and thanking Him that His promise to be ALL you need will carry you!
As the father of two of my children I saw in your narrative – this is much needed encouragement. Thank you.
One – the child, home now nearly 2 years, whose walls are still up towards me – who captured my heart 3 years ago so I asked my wife if we could adopt her.
Two – the child described as one condition – completely wrong diagnosis but much worse, issues inside the wiring of his brain – so that we who started our family via adoption in our mid 50s – find this most lovable boy, our most difficult of the four we now have home.
Awesome post, Diane! I thank God for your family, for your/their faith, for the love you have for these children, and for the witness you all give to the world.
I understand falling to your knees under the weight of it all. Been there, done that, will do it again many times, I’m sure. Fortunately, when I cry out in desperation at that moment that I think I can’t do it anymore, God comes to my rescue in some way and gives me a break. Not a permanent end, so far, but a lifting of the weight enough for me to stand and walk again.
May God grant you rest and peace that you need to stand and walk once more.
Diane,
I can’t thank you enough for sharing this. I’ve rarely been interested in blogs before, and even if I was, there are so many it would be too overwhelming for me to “follow” any one of them. However, I find myself drawn to read your posts every time I see them on the lifeline china group.
Today’s post was exactly what I needed to hear… what I believe God wanted me to hear. A reminder that we can not listen to our feelings and can only rely on the facts.
Those who know Your Name will trust in You, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek You. Ps. 9:10
We can’t claim to love Him and not trust Him! Thank you so much for this tangible reminder of His love and faithfulness. Praying for you and for your sweet family!
Thanks for sharing this. I, too, am feeling the pressure to “handle” it all on my own. In spite of the pain and confusion, and oh yes, the tears, I will take the narrow road right along with you!
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