Tomorrow we go to see the orthopedic doctors for Evangeline’s foot. The doctor is going to take out her stitches. He did not use the dissolvable kind because he was afraid of infection.
Evangeline decided tonight she would take the other boot with her tomorrow just in case she can fit it on her foot without the big bandage.
I hope she can.
Every once in a while, she’ll point to her toe with a sad face and say, “Mommy, four. No.” And my heart just melts, but she is strong. As quickly as the sadness comes, it leaves again.
Then, afterward, we see the neurosurgeon for her spine and the diastomatemyelia. I am so eager to hear what he says.
Tonight we were talking before the girls went to bed. Evangeline told me she had surgery on her spine when she was seven, and she doesn’t remember when she had her clubbed feet repaired.
Evangeline and I found pictures of her on the Baoji website. In the blue outfit, she is the little one in the front row on the right.
In this one, she is the tiny head in the back row on the right.
I’ve mentioned before that Evangeline was four when she was abandoned. I think about that a lot, and I wonder how much she remembers.
Tonight I saw an expression on her precious face that told me she must remember.
I asked her if is she was at Baoji when she had the surgery on her feet, and she said no. So I asked if she lived somewhere else before she went to Baoji, meaning another orphanage.
A sad expression came over her sweet face, and she said, “Yes.” She began to type in the translator, but then stopped. The sad face was gone, and she said. “No. I don’t know.”
Later she told me that Baoji was the only orphanage she had ever lived in.
I wonder. Why did she decide not to tell me? Does it hurt too much? Does she think it would hurt me to let me know she lived with her family and she loved them?
I long to tell her that it’s okay to love them, to grieve their loss in her life. I long to tell her I grieve their loss too. I share this precious child with them. I hope with all of my heart that she remembers a name, or a street, or a city that will someday help us find her family.
I know they loved her.
They kept her for four years until they felt her medical needs could wait no longer. So many people in China don’t have access to health care. I can’t even imagine having to make such a horrific decision as having to abandon your child so she could get the medical care she needed.
I pray for her mother. Perhaps someday I will have the incredible blessing of reuniting her with this precious gift she has given me. Perhaps someday I will share with her how much I have loved Evangeline.
In so many ways, Evangeline is a very young child. I rock her on my lap and hold her in my arms. She craves my touch. She constantly needs my reassurance that I love her. Sometimes as I cradle her, I am just filled with so much emotion.
Sadness. Joy. Peace. Contentment.
I am so incredibly blessed to be her mother.