Thank you all for your encouraging comments. I’m so incredibly thankful for every single one of you who have followed God’s work in our lives. I feel your prayers for our family, and I’m so glad to be traveling this journey with you. I love your comments. I feel so close to all of you. You are a blessing to me.
I can’t say I feel much better today. I don’t.
I can’t say Eliza is showing any desire at all to acknowledge me as her mother today. She’s not.
In fact, I think she’d rather like it if I could disappear or somehow unobtrusively blend into the wall. Indeed, I feel as though I am invisible to her.
She ignores me. She hides from me all day long, and just like the moon rises at night, she comes alive when Mark gets home. She comes and sits with him and points to all the familiar surroundings. She points to the cat, and then the dogs. She points to the children who are missing from their places at the table, or the ones who aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be doing. She reminds him that she wants to go to school.
And she pretends I’m not there.
And inside I vacillate between bleeding and seething.
I can’t teach her anything. I can’t ask anything of her. We share no common ground.
And it is killing me because she desperately needs a mother. She needs a mother to love her. She needs a mother to teach her first to be a little girl, and then a big girl, and a young lady.
No, I can’t say that anything has changed.
But today I have been acutely aware that God is growing my faith, and He is asking me to be faithful to this calling that is stretching me more than I have ever been stretched before.
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. . . . I have called you friends . . . —John 15:13, 15
Today I heard Jesus’ gentle words to me, and it was as if He were saying, “Diane, I laid down my life for you. Will you lay down yours for Eliza?”
By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren” ~1 John 3:16
Will I lay down my life for Eliza?
Today I felt like Peter must have felt when Jesus asked him three times if He loved Him.
“Diane, do you love me?
Feed my sheep.
Do you love me?
Feed my sheep.
Do you love me?
Feed my sheep.”
Every single day, for as long it takes, I must answer my precious Saviour by choosing to love this wounded little lamb who is lost and has no capacity to love me back.
For as long as it takes…
And by God’s grace and strength, I will.
And in the midst of Jesus’ gentle reminders to me today, He blessed me with an especially sweet moment with Evangeline.
She loves to help me in the kitchen, and is so incredibly capable. She is right beside me every moment wanting to learn everything I can teach her.
We frequently talk about all kinds of things, filling in for our lack of a common language with the translator. Today she asked me something. I forget what it was, but I answered her by saying, “I want you to be happy here.”
In the most tender, most sincere little voice, she answered with tears in her eyes, “Oh Mommy, I am happy here. I am happy here.”
Tomorrow morning, and every morning after that, you’ll find me here, loving my blessings and pouring myself out for His sheep.
I saw your post right before turning in for the night. Oh how alike our two buddies are ! Em also says sweet things like that !
Can you ask a MH specialist to give you a strategy for reaching Eliza ? Finding the right psychologist made all the difference for my older daughter. She was able to figure out what was going on, recommend some simple strategies and also what type of meds would help. It’s like a whole new world for her now.
You are in our prayers !
Karen
I have walked the walk you are on with Eliza. It is hard. It is painful. Yet, it is the walk that MANY adoptive moms have walked.
Seek the Lord. Stay strong. Keep feeding your sheep.
And . . . pop me an email if you want to chat with another mama who has been.there.done.that. laurel at ajourneyoffaith dot net.
Hugs & Prayers,
Laurel 🙂
mama of 12
Mama D.’s Dozen recently posted..Life . . . and . . . Death
I so love your heart Diane!
Hi Diane,
I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know my mother has a friend who is Chinese and speaks Mandarin. She is actually going to be away for a bit, but when she returns she would be willing to come down with my mother (she does not drive distances) and maybe help with some translating. Just thought it might help out some to have a local resource who could help you with that.
Let me know if you have any interest! Keeping all of you in my prayers as you work through the struggles and joys of your newly increased family!
Blessings,
Julia
COntinued prayers for Eliza and you! Thanks for your openness to share and the example you are setting for us all.
All stated so beautifully and I sure can relate. God is working and it takes time.
Sending hugs….
Joshua 3:4…ye have not passed this way heretofore.
I think the hardest thing we have to do is to realize to give what God is doing some space…just like Chapter 3 talks about. But I’m convinced, God will do wonders among you.
I say this not because I’ve cornered the market on this idea but because we are all continually living and learning this with every new arena.
Love to you…
Stacey recently posted..Lord, If You Are Willing
Diane…maybe she is angry that her birthmom left her….maybe she is directing her feeling from that to you because you are her mom. Plus…bottom line she is a teen…ouch on that…(said that with a little smile)
Hi Diane. Oh how I miss our nursery chats at co op but if I were there with you I would be giving you the biggest hug right now and know that my heart is with you and your family. God’s got this my dear. God’s got this.
love
jane.
Diana, How I loved this post! You are an amazing lady.
Vicky Simpson recently posted..Random thoughts!
Hello Diane,
I just heard about your blog from my friend Nancy Jackson who was with your group in China. We returned home from China with our 13 year old daughter on March 15, 2012. How encouraged I am by your blog. I haven’t come close yet to reading all your entries…but this entry is such an encouragement. That my perspective in the hard times would be in response to Jesus’ request to “Feed my sheep.” I share many of your emotions and experiences though the details are different. Thank you for your words–for your faithfulness and love for our sweet Jesus.
Stacey Lampton
Siloam Springs, AR