So Great A Cost

I wish I could say I have been praising Jesus throughout the difficult days of the last few weeks.

I wish I could tell you I have been at peace.

I’d like to say that every day I have been aware that God is doing the miraculous in Evangeline’s life whether or not I can see it.

I wish I could tell you my kids at home are doing just fabulously with my constant trips to the hospital.

But I have to tell you, this has been really hard.

I have come to the end of my own ability. I have been shaken, and so very discouraged.

I have forgotten to believe.

My prayers have been feeble, distracted phrases uttered from the depths of discouragement and exhaustion.

We are six and a half months into the girls’ adoptions. Evangeline has had five rather significant hospitalizations. She has had part of her foot amputated, dealt with a bone infection, broken her tibia, survived a severe kidney infection, had surgery on both feet, and endured a spinal surgery gone awry. She has walked less than she has not, and at the moment, it feels like she has lost more than she has gained.

We now know she has a very delicate spine, and when she finally recovers from this severe injury to her leg, there is still her spine that has a 50* curve that will need to be addressed as it will continue to worsen and crush her vital organs unless it is supported in some way.

On top of all of that, we are still struggling to understand Eliza’s issues and to find help for her.

Eliza’s ability to communicate with us through language is extremely limited. She still prefers to sign and make motions. She still cannot occupy herself at all without a strict schedule of what she is to do. She does not know how to play, will not color, will not play a game. If she is not scheduled, she walks around the house and teases the little ones.

When I am home, she hangs on me, follows me around calling my name and stomping her feet, repetitively asking me what I’m doing, where Mark is, or why Evangeline is not coming home.

It is still very difficult to take her with me because she gets bored and does not act appropriately. She’d rather not leave the house unless we are going shopping.

Our school system will not offer services to homeschool families. So far, despite several pleas for help from Mark and me, CHOP has not even been willing to schedule a brain scan, or set up a Psyche-Ed evaluation. They promise me that they are there, that we are not alone, but they have offered us nothing that helps us understand what keeps her from progressing. They say she is rare.

I believe we are trapped in some type of bureaucracy between the Adoption Clinic and the Psyche teams.

So, we have been pressing on, determined to honor God with our lives, determined to serve Him in wholeness and faithfulness despite the fatigue, the disappointments and the struggles.

No doubt, we have made our lives so much harder.

There’s a quote that has been circulating on Facebook lately that has so much meaning for me now.

My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, outrageous, expensive, excruciating & exhausting. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed him.~Derek Loux

I feel like I could have written that myself. It applies in every aspect.

So today, as I am off to the hospital again and setting up our kids to manage life here again without me, I choose to go forward in thankfulness, thankful to be co-laborers with Christ, thankful to be a part of the redemption process of these two very precious lives, thankful for the support we have received, and so very thankful that God is using us to change the world for these two.

I’m thankful to be used for His glory.

I’m thankful to be stretched beyond my own strength because it is there that God shines brightly in my life.

Today as I sit at the hospital with each parent who is broken from the chronic illness or disability of their child, I am aware that I am there with them because I chose to be. I chose to pick up Eliza and Evangeline’s heavy crosses and lift them off their shoulders and carry them on my back.

I have followed the Great Redeemer in His walk.

And I know of no greater blessing than to walk in my Redeemer’s shoes.

Blessings.

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10 comments

  1. DeeAnn says:

    That was written so beautifully. Know that you are not “pressing on” alone. As I fight the good fight, I will lift you up in prayer. It always makes me feel better to know that there are others out there that understand the joys and pain of adoption.

  2. Claudia Huisman says:

    pffttt… now I lack words to encourage you. You see your task as so hard right now, and it IS hard, yet you love your girls beyond anything and you understand their needs. Torn between all your kids and all the things that you want and need to attend to… I feel for you so much and I don’t have any advice ;-( Other than to just hang in there. There will be better times. Soon. And you will all come out of this stronger than ever. You are lucky that you have your faith to lean on. Take care,
    warm regards, Claudia

  3. Teresa says:

    I’m so sorry I cannot be there to help more, Dian. But please know that Jesus wants to carry that cross for you and them. You and Mark are only human and cannot endure this by yourself. It is too much to ask. Jesus is there for you and will carry that cross for them. I am not trying to tell you you’re wrong, because I know your heart is so open and loving. But you can only do so much. Focus on what you can do and let Jesus take the rest. We love you and Mark so much and continue to pray for rest and relief.
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  4. Karen says:

    By far the most difficulty I have had finding a professional to help is with my older daughter who has a host of behavioral and mental health issues. We are on psychologist number three and finally have someone who can help us figure things out.
    I will send good thoughts and prayers your way !
    Karen

  5. Penny says:

    Diane, thank you for sharing your heart so fully. I have nothing smart to add to the comments above, but just know you are loved and prayed for. And as others have said, and you know – you are never alone. “Let go and let G-d”……

    Holding you in prayer through this difficult time.

  6. Molly says:

    Well, if it’s any consolation, you are an amazing, emotionally articulate writer. Also, I sure hope they have a good coffee shop at that hospital! Keep on truckin’.

  7. sally Reed says:

    Found you through LL FB and not by accident as I believe our God that we share brought me to you so I can specifically pray for you and your family with a humble heart!!

    Press on knowing that you are supported and prayed over!

  8. Elizabeth says:

    You are doing a marvelous job! I really understand your feelings so much. I walk a similar walk (4 adopted daughters, 3 have significant special needs). Perhaps considering putting Eliza in school might be a worthwhile idea. I know how you want all of your chicks at home under your wing, but this one child may progress in crucial social skills better in a different environment. God probably never told you that you alone are equipped/responsible to meet all of Eliza’s needs. He never put you in the box you might have made for yourself. (I don’t mean any offense by that statement. I have lived it!) He is everywhere, and He is lovingly watching over Eliza no matter where she is. Also, it might be that your other children (especially the youngest ones) will be negatively impacted from watching Eliza’s clingy/needy behavior with you all day every day. They need you too. You may not be able to meet all of all of the children’s needs. That’s okay. God can. Anywhere. And the break for you and the other kids while Eliza is in school may just be the refresher you need each day to continue to parent all of them as an emotionally healthy, joyful, balanced mom. I am praying for your whole family. You are an awesome group that brings glory to God by your sacrifices. Blessings to you.

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